Twilight VS The Little Vampire Part 1
I recently sat down with Chris the Wizard to view two monumentally crappy vampire movies. His ex had forced him to watch Twilight, and I figured it’d be wrong if I didn’t suffer through it as well. That movie was relentlessly crap. Sparkly sunshine vampires are simply wrong, as is vampire baseball. But then again, so is Johnathan Lipnicki. I suggested we watched Little Vampire afterwards, and Chris figured after Twilight nothing could be worse. But was he right? After we sat through both movies we compared their legitimacy. Which was truer to how vampires were supposed to be? Both of us being gamers, a big part of our judgement on vampire legitimacy came from here so if theres a word you don’t understand in the article here’s two suggestons: one, read up on White Wolf’s World of Darkness. And two: Just skip to the bottom where my hatemail address is listed.
Now let’s take a look at the films respective incongruities with the traditional vampire mythos. Join me, won’t you, for
VS
On the Goals of Vampires
Twilight's vampires like baseball and weird shit with people under the age of consent. Their primary goal appears to be, uh, baseball. One or two of them seem determined not to be pussies and to act like real vampires, Sabbat, anyone?
Little Vampire’s vampires also enjoy hanging around with people under the age of consent. Their goal seems to be to stop being vampires, cuz humanity is so great. They are all idiots. Idiots or Torreadors. There is one of the main vampires who also spouts some Sabbat-esque rhetoric, but this plot line goes nowhere despite clearly having been meant to be elaborated on.
Score:
-1 each for sick pedo weirdness. Yeah, I know nothing actually happens in either movie, but I’d still stake any 300 year old motherfucker I found in my kid’s room. Speaking of which, this isn+’t so much a vampire lore beef, but I think the cops are called only once in either movie, and they don’t even show up. This despite kids wondering around with pale brooding strangers during the wee hours of the night. When do these assholes sleep anyhow?
On the powers and vulnerabilities of vampires
Twilight: Vampires are not hurt by fucking sunlight. Indeed they do not seem to mind it at all... but it makes them sparkle. Vampires have various powers that they can use to, uh play baseball and sniff trees. -1
Little Vampire: Vampires ARE hurt by sunlight and have no apparent powers whatsoever except flight and hypnotizing cows. They do however get their faces rocked by one single vampire hunter. Allow me to once again theorize that these guys are Torreadors. +1
Score:
Twilight -2
Little Vampire 0
On the residences of vampires:
Twilight: House in woods with lots of windows to allow in as much sunlight as possible. They basically want to live in a real vampire’s worst nightmare. Stick a twilight vampire in that crazy sunlight tower where Claudia died in Interview with the Vampire and they’ll gleefully jerk off til they spew sparkles all over the walls, or until they remember to be dark and brooding. I'd have given it a lower score, but now I'm just too intrigued by the idea of sparkle masturbation, and am seeking a likeminded bro in the DC area. See my Craigslist ad.
Little Vampire: They live in crypts, basements or Johnathan Lipnicki’s trunk, which the dumb brat actually almost opens during the day. So not only are they in two proper vampire locations, but they’re also apparently comfortable acting like The Gimp. No word yet on Bruce Willis’ reaction to this.
Score:
Twilight -3
Little Vampire 1
On The Fashion of Vampires
Twilight: They wear whatever everyone else does.
Little Vampire: I would give them some points for trying if it wasn’t so over the top, and if the head vampire guy didn’t have a receding hairline. I wonder if they make Rogaine for Vampires. As for actual clothing,i they dress like Count Dracula if he was homeless and insane. His coffin would be made of cardboard.
No points awarded. Vampires tend to wear older style clothes, thus discounting twilight, but the rags they have on in Little Vampire are both outlandishly ridiculous and also falling apart.
Score:
Twilight -3
Little Vampire 1
On the Johnathan Lipnicki of vampires:
Twilight: No +1
Little Vampire: Yes -1
Johnathan Lipnicki should have nothing to do with vampires or movies in general. Twilight gets this right somehow, but I’m told there are still 2 more movies in the series, so I’m not counting out the possibility of his appearance.
Score:
Twilight -2
Little Vampire 0
On The Education of vampires
Twilight: Vampires attend public school in order to fit in, but make no attempt at fitting in. They do however disappear for days on end with no explanation. Apparently visits from the truant officer help them to fit in.+0
Little Vampire: Vampires do not go to school. Twilight gains a point, as this is borne out by pretty much all vampire lore ever. Vampires do however have tutorials sometimes though, tutorials administered by this suave Brujah motherfucker
Score:
Twilight -2Little Vampire 1
