Snakes on a motherfuckin.... sub?
I was with Chris The Wizard at the video store when we spotted this gem. Chris had just vetoed this crazy ace ventura sequel starring a ten year old who was clearly not Jim Carrey, and I was low on ideas. However, as is always the case, the local movie emporium maintains a grand selection of absolutely revolting straight to video garbage. But this one was special. Chris and I have a history with animals on a mode of transportation films.
We saw Scorpions On A Plane (hilariously titled "Tail Sting") and laughed our heads off. Then we were there opening night for Snakes On A Plane. And so when we saw that thing down there, we couldn't help but giggle maniacally.
"No way!" Chris exclaimed.
"Dude that looks like a periscope it has to be!" I countered.
"Why would they make it so long after the movie its ripping off? And it can't really be snakes on a sub." Chris remained dubious, as is the proper response to such a thing.
But as I examined the back of the case I found our fears to be true. This movie told the tale of some snakes that were on a submarine. Why didn't they title it this? Did they think it would reveal that they were ripping off Snakes on a Plane and that when he found out Samuel L Jackson would come to their house and point out that he does NOT look like a bitch? Well, he may not have noticed, but we sure did!
Chris didn't hang around long enough to suffer through this atrocity with me. He had wizard business to attend to such as a non gamer girlfriend and a massive nerf sword duel with his sister (we both joined forces against her and were royally schooled by a teenage girl... Lets get back to the movie before I start remembering the pain of her berserker assaults...) After that weekend, Snakes On A Sub didn't seem so bad.
left: pain incarnate.
Regardless, I wasn't going to be taken by surprise. So I checked it out on Rottentomatoes. Surprisingly, all 3 (three!) reviews for the film were bad. My favorite review pointed out that the directors previous work included "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" and "Super Ninja Bikini Babes" and, inexplicably, "Invisible Mom".
The movie opens with some archival national geographic footage. I'd seen this tactic used to little or no effect in Frogs, so it failed to impress me in the latest mutant snakes film. What some other mutant snake films lack is sound science. This one is no different. We open on a research island in the South China Sea where snakes are being irradiated for no good reason. One of them turns giant, escapes, and eats some inexplicable Mexicans whose defense plan was to throw a stick at it.
Then we cut to our brainy herpetological heroine, who displays her knowledge of whatever the fuck she's doing with her exposition dialogue to her military boss man. "Major those diamond back babies are not only alive but they've nearly tripled in size in the past week.... And they've become more aggressive!"
But why on earth would snakes become more aggressive in a shitty horror film. Do we have "man messing with the environment"? Yes, that's number four. Howabout "Ancient thing its guarding" number three.... Do we have "genetic modification"? That's number two. And the number one reason why snakes become more aggressive in horror films? Survey saaaays.... Radiation!
"You were right! Those snakes chromosomes HAVE mutated - the cells are loaded with radioactive isotopes!" she squeals out delightedly, as though radioactive snakes were peachy keen, Keep in mind the fact that the snakes are "Loaded" with radioactive material as we get further into the film.
Anyhow the credits, put to rousing quasi military theme music, reveal that Luke Perry is one of our stars. I recognized that name because, as I recall, Luke Perry is the worthless half brother of Krusty The Klown. And how!
We meet who I guess is Luke Perry in what amounts to the navy's principal's office. He's misbehaved and is now given a crew of misfits (LOLOLOL) to go on one final mission (LOLOLOLOL) before he can retire (ROFLCOPTER) The mission is to drive a crappy old submarine to Taiwan so it can go in a museum or some shit.
"Good luck and god speed!" Says the Principal of the Navy. I think he's being a little over dramatic for the delivery of a second rate educational aid.
Anyhow we get back to our intrepid scientists on the island. Male scientist, who I think is named Jake, is a total tard. He's doing something with some tubes of poison gas and proves that he is yet the second character based on or played by someone from the Simpsons when he shatters them and says, and I quote "Uh I broke them all Andrea"
he then gets terrified by a box that someone is shaking from off camera, which we are to assume is full of snakes. He is "freaked out" by it. He is "supposed" to be the "comedy relief" Too bad he's also the movie's official douche bag.
How is he a douche? Well when someone mentions a vague terrorist threat to something, the island has to be evacuated, so all the snakes need to be killed. The scientist lady, completely unperturbed at the death of all her research specimens, will carry out the orders happily... Or will she. Nope. After douchebag makes a big speech about how valuable the snakes could be (presumably to people that collect things that want to kill them) she puts him in charge of killing them. "Gas them!" She orders. "It'll be my pleasure!" He replies.
If you think he gasses them you're as gullible as Doctor Hottits. Instead he packs them on to the sub with the misfit crew secretly and then asks if their submarine has room service. The misfit navy people soon open all the crates-o-snakes and are killed. Then the snakes sort of wander around aimlessly being non threatening. Amid this though the captain still finds time to visit Dr. Hottits in her room, without knocking. When she inquires why he does not observe this courtesy, he replies in order to confirm every stereotype about the navy: "It's usually just us guys on board, we don't knock." Bow chicka fucking bow wow".
So eventually they wise up and the captain makes an announcement that there are 20 highly venomous snakes on board. Most of them actually look like constrictors, but what do I know, I'm not in the navy.
The snakes then proceed to kill people in a rather common fashion, that is to say that a character will see a snake, then it flashes to them screaming, and then the snake will be crawling on them while they are apparently dying. In one instance the snake manages to tear holes in a mans shirt and write the word "gay" on him in his own blood. Fucking intolerant reptiles.
So, now we come to the horror movie staple of the dead black guy. Now I had some hopes that he would be our dark skinned savior and point out his displeasure with the snakes, who fornicate with their mothers, being present upon his maternally fornicating submarine vessel. No such luck. Instead he plays with some crochet and lets the giant mutant rattlesnakes out of their play pen.
He stands there holding his crochet and trying to ignore the ridiculous looking CGI snake for a while before it kills him. I think if he had worked a bit harder at disbelieving in it it would have had to go away.
Theres a bit of standard submarine shit going on where torpedos and depth charges are lobbed at them by the Chinese navy for no good reason, but they seem to take it in stride. This kind of thing happens in every submarine movie so I guess they're used to it. The captain takes out his frustrations on a random snake by beating it to death with a phone, and in vengeance one of the snakes bites a guy to death whose job is, apparently, to stick his hand into small snake infested holes.
Then something ridiculous is added to the plot that requires the captain and Dr Hottits to crawl over a pile of snakes. I think the captain actually says "Snakes, why'd it have to be snakes?" here. The doctor lady crawls across the snakes, activates something, and then, for no conceivable reason, evokes a question I never wanted to see answered:
Why does the actress need to look like she's about to make snake porn here? Her look is supposed to be caution, but this still catches her thinking "mmmm, wonder if they'll slither on my breasts"
Sadly the answer is yes. And she looks about as pleased as a strung out Carrie Fisher at this development. The captain then sensually, and I do mean sensually, removes the snakes from her bra and they kiss. It is at this point that I mention that these snakes are highly radioactive. Then as they leave the snake room, now dosed with deadly amounts of plutonium, the captain shoots one of the snakes for no good reason and it emits a pink cloud.
On the way to wherever they're supposed to go the chick gets bit by a snake which causes her to exclaim "Ow I got bit on the leg" The tragedy of the situation is clear with this tortured cry.
The captain decides to avenge her and so goes to his showdown with the mutant doom snake. Except that it's really, really cute. Its like ET with a bit of slitherynesss. This thing procedes to kill the pimply comic relief villain. Its definitely not frightening and I think the captain's look of boredom pretty well sums up the sensible reaction to the critter.
But he soon learns to take the escapee from the puppet show seriously as it makes him run into a ladder and hit his head, using its snake powers. He then chokes it somehow, and electrocutes it to death with some convenient sparking wires.
It should be noted that the heroine has been speaking in her huskiest porn star voice ever since she had the snakes all over her, and is clearly aroused now. Silent Venom is apparently an aphrodisiac, though not very silent as the silly mutant snakes do a bit of hissing (though, despite allegedly being rattlesnakes, they never rattle)
Anywho, the movie eventually concludes with everyone going on their own way, and Sideshow Luke Perry confronts whoever ordered him to load a bunch of snakes on his motherfuckin p... ship. He berates the major or whoever thusly in what may well be the best line of the movie:
"What about the lives of my men? Were their lives worth your snakes?"
And what about the rights of that little girl? I don't know, but I'm glad this review is over.
