I can do better
A play by J. M. Hoffman
Dramatis Personae:
Vincent: A self help guru and columnist
Gina: Vincent's girlfriend
Henry: A chef at a restaurant the two leads frequent
Laura: A woman who is stalking vincent
Tom: Vincent's boss
Cyntia: Henry's wife
Charles: A Wisconsin fetishist
Nigel: An intellectual and avid reader
Scott: He's not a very good homosexual
Matthew: An avid gamer
Brandon: A thoroughly divorced man
Helga: A strongly opinionated lesbian
Andrew: A conspiracy theorist
Marie: A restauranteur and rival of Henry
The setting is modern day New York. Action occurs in Henry's restaurant The Wizzledorf, in a French restaurant owned by Marie, in Vincent's appartment, in Gina's appartment, and within Vincent's office.
Scene 1: Vincent and Gina spend the evening in his appartment
Vincent: So what would you like to do tonight? The city and everything in it belongs to us.
Gina: I'd sell it all just to go out and do something crazy.
Vincent: Why would you ever want to do that?
Gina: Because crazy things are the things that people do when they're in love.
Vincent: I hardly think so.
Gina: Well I came here and that's seeming pretty crazy at the moment.
Vincent: I would think it was a perfectly sound decision.
Gina: Of course you would.
Vincent: Alright alright point taken, what shall we do? Alligator wrestling?
Gina: It dosn't matter. You'll just shoot down whatever idea I put forth thats the least bit different. You really can't stand spontinaety can you?
Vincent: Spontinaety started it, I'm just trying to keep the peace.
Gina: [exasperated]Oh come on will you!? What would be so wrong with going out of town for a while, or maybe a trip to another country even, or at least a different restaurant!
Vincent: When you have to deal with the inner workings of highly warped minds for a living you'll enjoy a bit of mundanity as well! Besides, the Wizzledorf has good food, and you've never thought otherwise. And, you know, on the last show I did, some guy came up to me to talk about his sexual feelings for his mother! And he went on to describe at great length---
Gina: [cutting him off and begining to grow heated] I don't want to hear it! I'm sick and tired of the mundane!
Vincent: [half jokingly] You call that mundane? Come now I thought women loved to talk about what kind of days their significant others had.
Gina: You know, all we ever do is hang around in your appartment and watch films and go to boring parties...
Vincent: Yes, I rather like that state of things.
Gina: [growing very annoyed] Did you ever consider that *I* might not?
Vincent: [clearly being deliberately absurd and flashing an idiotic smile] Nope, never crossed my mind.
Gina: I can't believe you're the best I could do. Tell me why I stay with you again?
Vincent: Oh, I don't know, maybe it's the mountain of cash that fills my coffers at the end of each month? The invitations to the best parties in town? My titanic penis?
Gina: You know, I could do better...
Vincent: Well I suppose, if it were a basket ball player, or a porn star...
Gina: Oh shut up! I mean I could do better than you, not little Vincent.
Vincent: Frankly I don't know which statement would be worse.
Gina: You're a selfish, know it all, proud, smart ass,---
Vincent: (cutting her off jovially) but just to make things clear, you're fine with my size?
[The sound of a door slamming concludes the scene. Exit GINA]
