The Dangers Homosexuals Pose to the Family
A Jelly Pufflemur Investigation PLUS two absolutely free bonus features: The Creative Process and Saint Otal's Furry Affairs Corner!
Special Bonus Feature: The Creative process:
Here at Jelly Pufflemur we constantly strive to do nothing. However, sometimes this fails, and I end up writing a crappy article. I then send it to Slade, who edits it and gives me his comments. If he likes it, I post it. If he doesn't like it, I tell him to eat me and then post it. And if he really doesn't like it, I try to make it worse by hiring a furry affairs analyst to add a feature just to spite him. It is a delicate and beautiful process like the pruning and fertilizing of a rose bush that, in the end, results in a perfectly formed flower. Here is an example of this beautiful process:
Slade: Sir, that was terribly terrible from beginning to end. I read all of page one and went "Sweet Eris, I have to read two more pages of this?!" Seriously
Hoffman: haha!
Slade: How much of what were you hopped up on when you wrote that?
Hoffman: I don't at all remember. it was one of those things that one writes at five am
Slade: Ah.
Slade: I suggest you burn it.
Hoffman:... so thats a no on posting the thing then
Slade: If you have even the smallest amount of dignity and desire anything other then utter scorn and contempt, DO NOT POST THAT.
Hoffman: holy crap... now I'm thinking I should post it just because its that bad! none of my articles have ever provoked such a violent reaction, cept that one about Snake Logan
Slade: It's not comically bad, just regular terrible.
Hoffman: I guess I better make it worse then
And now, to business: In the past I have mocked the danger of, what some among us would term the "rainbow tide". I have said that homosexuals do not pose a danger to the family, or house pets, or corpses. That, if they get married, god will not smite us all with his very large, succulent cock… Wait, I was too descriptive there, perhaps I let on too much.
Well, now I want to rescind all of that. The reason for this rather sudden turnaround is two fold. First of all, I found Jesus. He was actually in the last place I would have thought to look, and was rather chilly from being behind the milk all that time. He did, however, help me to locate the vegetable dip I was after, and, as we put long, firm stalks of celery into each other's mouths in bonds of religious brotherhood, he asked me to promise him that I would kill some fags and stuff. And so I did.
The second one is that I had a most revealing conversation with my lesbian friend. She revealed that it is indeed a habit of gays to eat families. No, I am lying. But god will forgive me because that lie was merely to prepare you, to get you on an emotional plane where you could accept the more horrible truth:
My queer friend Heather does not like the film Tank Girl
I'll let that sink in for a time. Now, let us examine the situation, for a moment, like rational people KILL THE FAGS! PENETRATE THEIR SUPPLE ANAL CREVICES WITH YOUR LONG, HARD SWORD OF HOT THROBBING JUSTICE!
Wait, went off on a tangent there. Well, let's look at this logically. Now, I had never considered just what dangers homosexuals posed to this fine bit of campy comic book film delight. I suppose it makes sense that gay men wouldn't like it, as it is about a hot chick with, and I must be honest here, very little fashion sense.
But I figured that a dyke of Heather's sophistication (she has seen Tank Girl) and interests (she likes chicks) would immediately be drawn to such a film. Sadly, as is the custom of the gay scourge, she not only betrayed my expectations, but also ate my family. In the figurative sense, you see, my family being my hopes that I could bask in the goodly glow of Tank Girl with someone else, as The Lord intended.
So, you see, it was kind of like she threw my whole religion at my feet, and then had sex ontop of it with a strange girl. And there is nothing more insulting to one's religion than to use it as an altar of homosexuality while one stares on in disbelief and arousal…. I mean… just disbelief.
So, anyhow, I calmly explained The Lord's plan. He made Tank Girl for ALL of his children and even if they have turned their back on it, it is still there, faithfully waiting on my DVD shelf between a cheep Chinese copy of the Starwars Trilogy and Titan AE. Waiting only for someone to accept it into their hearts.
I pointed out that, clearly, Tank Girl was a sign of God's holy goodness, for it is a girl, and lo, she has a tank. And, behold, I say: she does sometimes have rocket tits. HALLELEUJAH! And she does kick some ass, amen. Indeed, you could say that Tank Girl is somewhat of a parable. We are all sinners in a waterless world, and the liquid we crave is not water, but the blood of Christ (and fags) which will wash away our sins. Did I mention that the girl has fucking rocket tits? I mean, come on!
Heather, however, still failed to grasp this concept. I explained at great length the complicated premise behind Tank Girl, incase she hadn't grasped the parable for suffering and the washing away of sins. Perhaps she did not realize that the Kangaroo people represented the apostles? Perhaps she did not notice that the people who the tank girl tanked to death represented gay people and their hatred for tank girl? But, as a servant of The Lord, I am above hatred now, because God is love. Love for a girl, and love for her tank, and love for her rocket tits.
When my now former companion proved to be utterly recalcitrant, I decided it was time to inform the world of this potential threat. Allowing gays to marry will allow them to procreate, as marriage is the only way the pope says we can make babies. And if gays can create offspring or, as should be properly termed, gayspawn, they will pass on their dislike for The Lord of Hosts and his holy messenger, and her tank, to another generation. The souls of such a union would be destined for damnation before they were even born.
Now, I don't want to act as though I am just being intolerant here, so let me present a quick point/counterpoint:
For Tank Girl: There is a girl in a tank with rocket tits, and she kicks peoples butts.
Against Tank Girl: Sometimes there are kangaroos which are sort of like furries, and tank girl lacks fashion sense.
So, you see, even this is evidence of His greatness, because he has made a parable that can appeal even to people who like to dress up as foxes and then have sex. But, sometimes even God's light cannot pierce into the darkness of certain peoples twisted souls, despite the fact that he made sure there was a musical number in the movie just to please the poofters!
And speaking of the darkness of twisted souls, here's our senior furry affairs analyst Saint Otal with…
A Report On The Pertinence of Anthromorphic Kangaroos to The Gay Marriage Debate:
Now hold on a minute. Gay people SHOULD get married. They just shouldn't be married to other gay people. My job is Senior Furry Affairs Analyst, and why they need a furry to analyze extramarital affairs is beyond me. BUT, I have to watch out for my job. The more gay people married to non-gay people, the more affairs they have. Statistically, that gives ME more work. So I'm all FOR Gay marriage. But they better FUCKING not be marrying gay people. Can't have them HAPPY. REMEMBER: Gay people married to gay people are likely to be content, happy, and NOT WATCH TANK GIRL
He then got bitchslapped, and added this when his job was described to him, as well as the clear jeopardy said job was in:
Okay, its come to my attention that I am not, in fact, a furry analyst of affairs, but an analyst of FURRY AFFAIRS. I took it upon myself to read a review of Tank Girl, and it seemed to me that, for the most part, the anthromorphic kangaroos (Colloquially known as Anthroroos) were happy in their relationships which were not gay, and so they probably did not support gay marriage. WHY AM I BEING CONSULTED ON THIS?! THERE ARE NO FURRY AFFAIRS! THEY'RE IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS! END OF ANALYSIS!
So yeah, Otal's fucked up, and that is why I've decided to become a religious proponent of banning gay marriage, gays, and gaydar detectors. It is a hard thing to… very hard….. rock solid and… anyhow, it's difficult. Luckily, I have met a Godly fellow who has helped me to see the way. When I feel weak, we meet in an airport restroom and he shows me the gritty, sweaty, painful, stretching ugliness of homosexuality, so that I might know just how wrong, how very, very wrong all of it is. Thus energized I can continue to legislate and campaign tirelessly against such depravity.
My latest blow against the queer scourge has been to force Heather and her non-tank-girl liking agenda to flee to Texas. I am told that even there, they have gay pride parades. Is there no land that is not corrupted with the salty, sticky, lickable semen of this homosexual plague that squirts deep inside of society's collective anus!? I do not fear for the corruption she will sow in the great lonestar state, however. I have spoken with a brother Christian in Texas, and he assures me that these so-called parades, are in fact homosexual round ups. He even sent me a picture:
You can clearly see that the queers, presented offscreen clothed only in indecency and feathered boas, are being chased by the masculine, godly, and completely moral American Cowboys, indicated by their wearing of leather chaps, cowboy hats, and their use of whips and spurs to help corral the stampeding stinkfisters. Indeed, it appears that some of these cowboys have even been able to "break" some of the gays they pursue and employ them as mounts, as shown below.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why everyone should watch Tank Girl. I do not believe that there can ever be a more compelling argument made for a film. And if there are any faggy men who want to whine about this film not being all artsy and offending their delicate sensibilities, I would be happy to make a compelling argument for this movie and against homosexuality. An argument that can best be made via sodomy, in the men's room of their choice.
